No pure intentions

If, like me, you are a person that likes the journey of self-discovery it’s strange how it is somehow never ending. When you think you have explored every nook and cranny, every dirt road, every cul-de-sac inside yourself and feel you’ve got your answers, then it starts again. Nothing explains the inside journey better than the illustration of the onion. You peel layer after layer, but somehow there is always more. What I’m realising at the moment is that even though I may be fooled into thinking that the issues I will have to deal with closer to the core are simpler, because they inevitably look smaller, they are much denser and harder to get hold of to peel off. I think they also hold all those things I haven’t been ready for earlier in my development, so subconsciously I have pushed them away, creating these dense layers that I’m now starting to consciously be aware off.

It was actually yesterday, when writing my other blog https://overweight-thoughts.blog/ that my next layer came into vision for me. I was talking about how I always have been putting so much pressure on myself to achieve brilliance in one creative area of my life or another, that I never really took into consideration that I may not be capable of such heights, so I now feel on the brink of serious exhaustion. In my blog yesterday I challenged myself, saying that maybe it was time for me to accept mediocracy from myself? Not saying that I wouldn’t continue to try my hardest, but maybe it was time for me to start to accept that if what I send out into the world to get judged, comes back to me as an okay attempt instead of an exceptional one, this should also be good enough for me.

This thought felt very uncomfortable to me yesterday, and it doesn’t sit any better with me this morning, but at least I have become aware of something inside me that needs resolving. My next step is to ask why I am so driven? Why is brilliance so important to me? I know I have a tendency to expect a lot from people around me too, but I’m always hardest on myself.

While I was out walking my dog Columbo this morning, I finally was able to admit to myself what is the fuel that drives me, and why it won’t allow me to let go of the dream of one day achieving something that, in my own eyes, is good enough. Sadly, my reasons for wanting to achieve something worth recognising in bigger circumstances aren’t pure or noble at all. Although the fuel that drives me is very pure. It is a pure hate and anger that has built up inside me for the last five decades. “I’ll show them!” is the sentence that is my drive. “I’ll show them all”. It seems like I have put all the anger and hate which has developed inside me, starting from the lack of support and understanding of my creativity at home as a child; all my childhood bullies; all the people that have at some time in my life betrayed or lied to me in a big way into this fuel. All of this I have buried inside a distillery living inside my soul and from that I draw this high-octane fuel built on unresolved hate and anger.

Granted, it’s not the worst thing in the world to do; aiming all my collective hurts and wounds that I have had time to gather in my life, towards something as positive as creativity. My problem is that the longer the hurts have been bubbling away in my private distillery, the purer and higher the octane, the bigger my personal achievement will have to be in order to satisfy me in my strive to “show them”.

A lot of “them” I probably don’t even remember anymore, but I remember enough for it to be difficult for me to change over to a more environmentally friendly fuel for my creative driving force. The pure, hate fuelled stuff at the moment seems to be what’s needed to keep the fire burning inside me.

Accepting this, I also have to accept that I’m most certainly steering straight towards a head collision with my next paradox in life. I’ve learned the hard way that most things I really want in life, I have to let go of or set free, before they can be mine. I won’t lie to you; this realisation makes me angry. I’m not sure I am capable of getting rid of my hate filled fuel, that has been driving me for so long, but I am pretty sure that I won’t produce anything that I personally will accept as good enough creatively, while my main driving force is “I will show them”. I also know that if I can’t get to a point where I can accept my work on whatever level it lives on, I will soon hit a wall of pure and serious exhaustion, and if that happens, I won’t have much choice in the matter anymore anyway.

They say, we will never be given anything in life that we are not strong enough to cope with. I have just been shown my next layer in my personal onion. Hopefully I will be able to peel it off and come out on the other side of it with a capability of accepting my creativity just as it is, without any demands on the end result being different or better. It will just be an extension of me and my life experiences but without having to be presented as a product that needs to “show anybody” anything.

This won’t happen overnight, but the chance of it happening at all is much bigger today than it was yesterday, because today I’ve been given the awareness to be able to start working on my next step of self-development, which is a very humbling feeling that fills me with gratitude.

Take care until next time and Happy Writing!
Åsa

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