Looking for a sign

Last week I wrote about being at peace with my lyric writing journey. This hasn’t changed, even though I’m prone to sudden mood swings, but apart from my lyric writing I am at a loss when it comes to figuring out what to do with most things in my life.

 
I have told you that, since a couple of months back, I am working two jobs to keep afloat. This new situation has put me in a catch 22 situation, because without keeping both jobs for a very long and foreseeable future, I will sink financially. On the other hand, by keeping the jobs for a very long and foreseeable future I will deny everything inside me that is me, which sooner or later will kill me no matter what my financial status is. To begin with it will kill me on every other level than physically, i.e. it will zap my energy, kill me emotionally, it will numb my mind, my spirit and my soul will starve. When it has gone that far, my divine spark will dim down too. There won’t be much point walking around like the zombie I will be, at that point.

 
Why do I feel my future is looking this dark? Well, after only seven weeks in this new situation, I am forced to leave more and more of my creative work behind, just to have the energy to go to work and do things that need doing at home. Some of you may have noticed that this blog already has started to suffer a bit. Last week I only managed one blog post, because I have been too tired to find any kind of inspiration to write.

 
For most people, two jobs wouldn’t be a problem and for most people continuing with creative things after work wouldn’t be a problem either. Sadly, I’m not most people. I belong to the 20% in the world that lives with the title Highly Sensitive Person HSP https://hsperson.com/ and therefore the situation I’m in is slowly destroying my life.

 
I feel totally cornered and all I can do is look for a sign of some sort to help me out of this predicament. I would never walk out of any of the jobs, because the world doesn’t look kindly upon people quitting jobs needed to keep them paying the bills. In all fairness, I wouldn’t look kindly upon myself if I did. Sadly, there may come a time when the choice isn’t mine anymore if this is how I feel after seven weeks. In what shape will I be in after twelve months? How much of the real me will still be around?

 
A few years ago, I wrote a lyric about how it can hurt when people only see what they want to see when they look at you. Anything inside you that frightens them or is too different from themselves, people tend to ignore. This is fine if we are talking about strangers. Less so if we talk friends or family. At the moment the lyrics also fit in with my biggest wish; that someone out there would recognise my strengths which can be in any of my creative ventures, i.e. graphic designing, baking, writing etc. so that I could be able to make a living from something that vitalises me, instead of what is happening now and is slowly killing me.

 
The lyrics is called “Love the real me”.

 
Take care until next time and Happy Writing!
Åsa

 

Love the real me!
I’ve been a big disappointment,
in every which way to you.
That is what happens when trying
to change what is red into blue.

You want me to fit your settings;
So what, if I lose my wings?
As long as I live your picture;
Who cares if my soul fails to sing?

Chorus
You say that you know me
but don’t have a clue.
You never took time out
to find what was true.
I’d so much to offer,
but outside your mould.
You saw what you chose to,
and missed all I hold!
Why couldn’t you love the real me?

It would have been good to tell you
of all the dreams that I’ve had.
But somehow, they were to different,
your fear made me mute and so sad.

Chorus
You say that you know me
but don’t have a clue.
You never took time out
to find what was true.
I’d so much to offer,
but outside your mould.
You saw what you chose to,
and missed all I hold!
Why couldn’t you love the real me?
©Åsa Sandberg 2014

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Ideas

Where do they come from, the ideas and the inspiration? Personally, for me it varies a lot. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and have a complete lyric ready in my mind just waiting for me to find the time to write it down. Other times I see something that makes me want to tell a story. I can also get a sentence that I work around until I have some lyrics I’m happy with, and sometimes I just get a word that transforms me into a certain mood that inspires a lyric.  All these ways of writing are inspirational, and it is wonderful when it is possible to ride on the waves of inspiration.

Not every day comes with a creative flow. Sometimes graft is required. If the words fail me, I try to think of a rhythm instead; or I give myself a challenge to try and tell a story in very few words. I also love to write verses where every second line rhymes. (If you read my last blog, the lyric to the song “Darkness” is written in that fashion).

Having been writing for a few years, the subject matters may start to feel a bit similar. Even the way I structure a song lyric can start to feel a bit old. Verse, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, most times get you to a three-minute song, but it isn’t very original. A bridge always spices things up, and if you are anything like me (a bit wordy) the bridge gives you a chance to expand on your chosen subject matter.  I also try to vary the tempo as much as I possibly can between my verses and my choruses to make for more interesting melodies. Still, I have started to feel that on the rare occasions I am writing lyrics to a melody I’ve been given, it is much easier to find a more original subject to write about. The melody gives me that additional dimension and inspiration that verbally takes me to places I never would have considered without that specific melody.

Do I see not writing music as a handicap? Sometimes yes, because even though I still haven’t attempted to write a melody, I quite often “hear” a certain style of music when writing my lyrics. I sense it would be a good rock, pop, blues, jazz song or maybe a power ballad, but when the composer takes over the lyrics I can’t deny him or her their creative freedom when it comes to interpreting my words. Sometimes, if my feeling is very strong, I may suggest that genre, but so far, I have never insisted. If I were to write my own melodies I would get away from this kind of compromise, but so far I would have ended up with a poorer song in every instant, because even though music plays such a big part in my life, I have yet to attempt any kind of composing.

I’m going to leave you with a lyric of mine that got to the semi-finals in the UK Songwriting Competition in 2016. This is one time I went for the minimalistic approach in my verses, mainly because the first verse; “The cold empty feeling, when something is gone. To late to start over, to soon to move on.” just appeared to me as it is, and I built on that. Fredrik Holm is the composer and I’ll give you the link to a very early demo of the song too.

Take care and happy writing until next time!

Åsa

Alone 

The cold, empty feeling

when something is gone.

Too late to start over,

too soon to move on.

 

The joy of our meetings

has faded away.

If I’d seen it happen,

I’d asked it to stay.

 

Chorus

It feels like I’m standing

in the eye of the storm.

It’s cold and it’s weary,

I’m too numb to keep warm.

’cause deep down I know that it’s over,

and I’m all alone once again.

 

I miss being quiet

with you by my side.

Show weakness and sadness,

forget about pride.

 

To laugh about nothing,

to know what you think.

It’s all in the past now,

it went in a blink.

 

Chorus

©Åsa Sandberg 2016