No pure intentions

If, like me, you are a person that likes the journey of self-discovery it’s strange how it is somehow never ending. When you think you have explored every nook and cranny, every dirt road, every cul-de-sac inside yourself and feel you’ve got your answers, then it starts again. Nothing explains the inside journey better than the illustration of the onion. You peel layer after layer, but somehow there is always more. What I’m realising at the moment is that even though I may be fooled into thinking that the issues I will have to deal with closer to the core are simpler, because they inevitably look smaller, they are much denser and harder to get hold of to peel off. I think they also hold all those things I haven’t been ready for earlier in my development, so subconsciously I have pushed them away, creating these dense layers that I’m now starting to consciously be aware off.

It was actually yesterday, when writing my other blog https://overweight-thoughts.blog/ that my next layer came into vision for me. I was talking about how I always have been putting so much pressure on myself to achieve brilliance in one creative area of my life or another, that I never really took into consideration that I may not be capable of such heights, so I now feel on the brink of serious exhaustion. In my blog yesterday I challenged myself, saying that maybe it was time for me to accept mediocracy from myself? Not saying that I wouldn’t continue to try my hardest, but maybe it was time for me to start to accept that if what I send out into the world to get judged, comes back to me as an okay attempt instead of an exceptional one, this should also be good enough for me.

This thought felt very uncomfortable to me yesterday, and it doesn’t sit any better with me this morning, but at least I have become aware of something inside me that needs resolving. My next step is to ask why I am so driven? Why is brilliance so important to me? I know I have a tendency to expect a lot from people around me too, but I’m always hardest on myself.

While I was out walking my dog Columbo this morning, I finally was able to admit to myself what is the fuel that drives me, and why it won’t allow me to let go of the dream of one day achieving something that, in my own eyes, is good enough. Sadly, my reasons for wanting to achieve something worth recognising in bigger circumstances aren’t pure or noble at all. Although the fuel that drives me is very pure. It is a pure hate and anger that has built up inside me for the last five decades. “I’ll show them!” is the sentence that is my drive. “I’ll show them all”. It seems like I have put all the anger and hate which has developed inside me, starting from the lack of support and understanding of my creativity at home as a child; all my childhood bullies; all the people that have at some time in my life betrayed or lied to me in a big way into this fuel. All of this I have buried inside a distillery living inside my soul and from that I draw this high-octane fuel built on unresolved hate and anger.

Granted, it’s not the worst thing in the world to do; aiming all my collective hurts and wounds that I have had time to gather in my life, towards something as positive as creativity. My problem is that the longer the hurts have been bubbling away in my private distillery, the purer and higher the octane, the bigger my personal achievement will have to be in order to satisfy me in my strive to “show them”.

A lot of “them” I probably don’t even remember anymore, but I remember enough for it to be difficult for me to change over to a more environmentally friendly fuel for my creative driving force. The pure, hate fuelled stuff at the moment seems to be what’s needed to keep the fire burning inside me.

Accepting this, I also have to accept that I’m most certainly steering straight towards a head collision with my next paradox in life. I’ve learned the hard way that most things I really want in life, I have to let go of or set free, before they can be mine. I won’t lie to you; this realisation makes me angry. I’m not sure I am capable of getting rid of my hate filled fuel, that has been driving me for so long, but I am pretty sure that I won’t produce anything that I personally will accept as good enough creatively, while my main driving force is “I will show them”. I also know that if I can’t get to a point where I can accept my work on whatever level it lives on, I will soon hit a wall of pure and serious exhaustion, and if that happens, I won’t have much choice in the matter anymore anyway.

They say, we will never be given anything in life that we are not strong enough to cope with. I have just been shown my next layer in my personal onion. Hopefully I will be able to peel it off and come out on the other side of it with a capability of accepting my creativity just as it is, without any demands on the end result being different or better. It will just be an extension of me and my life experiences but without having to be presented as a product that needs to “show anybody” anything.

This won’t happen overnight, but the chance of it happening at all is much bigger today than it was yesterday, because today I’ve been given the awareness to be able to start working on my next step of self-development, which is a very humbling feeling that fills me with gratitude.

Take care until next time and Happy Writing!
Åsa

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Self-acceptance

Today I’m doing something I probably will never do again, but I’m doing it because of the realisation that what I’m talking about will most likely make an enormous difference to the way I write song lyrics from now on. So, what is it I’m going to do? Well, I’m going to share a blog post here from a different blog I’m writing, called “Overweight thoughts” to put into my blog about lyric writing.

 
In this blog post called “Mirror, mirror on the wall” I share a very powerful moment and a realisation I had at work yesterday and I’m sharing it with you, here because I know I’m far from the only one struggling with issues like this. I also know that everything in our lives is connected. If I am at peace with myself, I will write better song-lyrics, even if I may choose to write sad lyrics. I’ll let you read the parts of the blog I have cut out as relevant to my song-writing and get back to you at the end.

 

I can’t remember a time in my life when I haven’t hated mirrors with all of my heart. I have avoided looking into them as much as I’ve been able to, because I have been so appalled with the image facing me. It has made me cringe, look away and feel sick. Facing myself in the mirror or on a photo has actually been the worst thing someone could force me to do.

 
Even those few years in the early 1990’s when I was slimmer than I had ever been, I had the same problems with photos and mirrors, which means that not all of this horror has to do with weight. It’s more to do with not recognising the person in my reflection or in a photo as me. As the person I know I am meant to be both inside and out.

 
In 1990 when I lost weight successfully for the first time, I thought getting rid of excess weight and looking “normal” would solve all my problems and with that done, I would settle into the routines people do in their mid-twenties (or did back then) with steady jobs, a house and sooner or later a family. The horror I felt when I realised that however slim I was, I still was as insecure, I still had the same difficulties “socialising” with small talk, I still hated to go out to night clubs, etc. All these thigs made me a loner. A loner that felt like the piece of a jigsaw that had landed in the wrong box and didn’t belong to the picture. It was this feeling which got me started down a road where most things in my life would become very much worse before they finally became better.

 
I’ve now realised that back in 1990, I didn’t like my mirror image, because I didn’t recognise what was inside my physical frame as the real me. Me; -the person I was meant to be according to my soul, was hidden behind so many insecurities and horrors from my life up to that point that, even if the frame may have been the one I feel most comfortable in, everything else was wrong. I have also realised that every attempt I’ve made since the 90’s to get back to my ideal weight have failed, because inside I wasn’t ready. In my mind I was still judging myself for absolutely every mistake I’ve ever made (and they are many). Sadly, I also have an excellent memory when it comes to remembering my own mistakes, and unfortunately also those of other’s. There was no way I could succeed in losing weight while I kept on punishing myself for everything I’d done wrong and harbouring negative thoughts towards other people in my life that weren’t perfect either.

 
This year has so far been full of miracles on many levels. Last week I told you that I have realised that I am now healed inside. I have suddenly been able to stop blaming myself for everything that goes wrong in this world and I have managed to let go of my self-judgement.

 
Well this morning, while cleaning the floor in the female locker room at the supermarket I now work in, I had the biggest miracle of them all. As always going in I looked down to avoid looking into the full mirror in the room. Then something inside me said; why don’t you take a look. So, I did. A bit hesitant, but I did. Then I got my miracle. I didn’t cringe, I didn’t feel sick and I didn’t look away! Instead I looked at me. And I felt a very deep happiness because I finally recognised myself in the mirror image. Just as I am supposed to be. Granted, I still have a good two stones (15kg) to lose before I am where I want to be with my physical weight, but the person looking back at me was definitely me. Both inside and out; warts and all. I am so happy I was alone in the locker room because this self-acceptance was so powerful that I could not hold back the tears. It’s taken me almost 52 years to get to a point in my life where I can look at myself in a mirror and say; “Hello! Nice to finally meet you! Well done for getting this far. Enjoy the rest of your life!”

 
No one who hasn’t felt that intense disgust when seeing oneself in the mirror, will ever really understand how big this moment was and what it has taken to get to where I am today, being able to write this down for all of you to read. All of you that haven’t had to experience that on your life’s journey, will just have to believe me when I say that it is one of the most extraordinary things that has happened in my life. I suppose it is called self-acceptance.

 

I think that if we don’t feel good enough or feel insecure as people, it is hard to reach our full potential as lyric writers. In my case I know that when I’m writing it has made me avoid some subjects. For instance, sometimes I just haven’t felt secure enough in myself as a person to share my honest emotions through a song lyric, even if I know the lyric would have benefited from my honesty.

 
Let’s hope that my newly found self-acceptance will allow me to write whatever I feel like writing from now on and lets also hope that you out there reading this, feeling the same way I have felt, and will be able to get to your point of self-acceptance very, very soon, because you are worth it!

 

Take care until next time and Happy Writing!
Åsa